Confessions of a Lifetime movie addict

18 Oct

    We’ve all done it. Bored on a Saturday afternoon, after stuffing your face full of chocolate chip cookies, you settle on the couch with a blanket and start flipping the T.V. channels. After going through dozens, you look around to make sure no one is watching, do a double take, and settle on it. Lifetime.
The guiltiest of guilty pleasures.
And Saturdays are chuck full of the material you have been longing for. Bored alcoholic housewives with cheating husbands and thieving children. A college girl being pressured by the hazing practices of the nasty, yet popular sorority. Teenage girls engaged in a pregnancy pact. The drama, the chaos, and the badly scripted mess that wraps neatly in a bow after two hours. The concept is quite beautiful, really.
The titles are exceptionally great. Not like Hollywood movies. Instead of one word answers like “Jaws” or “It” — Lifetime likes to give its viewers a brief synopsis — nothing to hide here. “Jessica’s Story: One Woman’s Story of Abuse.” “Melody’s Tale: A Mother’s Hope for her Unborn Child.” There you go. Simple, to the point, and you get a gist of what may happen.
I settled on “Thrill to Kill” this weekend. What did I expect? A bit of thrill, a bit of kill — and a fairly mediocre movie starring ‘C’ rate actors.
Summary: Innocent bartender Kelly reads a novel that oddly mirrors her sister’s tragic murder. Kelly decides to ask crime novelist Graydon to help her discover her sister’s true killer. They climb treacherous terrain, finding people in their path that don’t want the tragedy solved. Her sister had many lovers that wanted to kill her — so many lovers. Which one was it? And why so many? Why, I ask?
SPOILER ALERT: Unbeknownst to Kelly, her new gorgeous companion Graydon is the actual murderer. He gets his thrills from committing the crimes and then writing about them — which also makes him rich. Win-win for him? Anyways, I’m trailing off. He reveals to Kelly that he is going to kill her and then write about it! Gasp. Sob.
What? This is where I dropped the popcorn from my lips back to the bowl. (Yes, I was eating more food.) That surprised even me. After a lot of  screen shots of the murderer chasing the innocent pretty girl victim, Graydon ends up dead — hanging in a barn.
But, but … instead of worrying about her friend who is almost dead in an ambulance or perhaps removing the killer’s body from the barn — Kelly and the local sheriff decide to go inside her home for a pot of coffee and some cookies. To laugh and regale tales of old. WHAT? Strolling arm in arm into the house, the credits begin to roll.
That’s the Lifetime movie, I love so well. You did it again, Television for Women channel, you did it. I expect, and know, the show will wrap up as quickly as possible in the last minute of the show — no matter how awkward it makes the rest of it seem. If they don’t have time for that, someone better be walking off in the distance and there had better be at least four to five paragraphs of information to fill you in on what’s going on with the characters now.
My absolute favorite Lifetime flicks are the ones that are based on true stories. So in the back of your head, even as far-fetched and dramatic as the actors come across — there is a shred (if that) of truth somewhere in there.
The channel has been getting a lot of flack lately for the “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy” movie. (See what they did there? Even if you have no idea who she is — you know there was a murder and a trial set in Italy. Fantastic.) Oh, I quickly condemned the movie for being biased. And I shook my head at Lifetime for sensationalizing the matter worse than the country of Italy did. And after all that — I sat down with some fudge. Yes, fudge. And watched it. Totally awesome.
But that’s why the channel is such a necessity in people’s lives (namely me.) Say goodbye to reality for a little while, for two, eight or 12 hours. Sit in jam jams, eat a couple pounds of food and let the drama unfold on the screen — rather than cause any of your own.
I heart Lifetime, so much.

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2 Responses to “Confessions of a Lifetime movie addict”

  1. breezyk October 19, 2011 at 12:39 am #

    Omg are you a Saturday Night Live fan? They did a sketch last week that was a gameshow making fun of lifetime movies.. it was called “What’s wrong with Tanya?” haha.. here’s a link to it: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/the-best-snl-sketch-of-the-year-lifetimes-first

    • Carrie Olson November 2, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

      Sorry for the late reply, but yes, a total SNL fan. That sketch was so hilarious.

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