Archive | November, 2011

The greatest holiday: Black Friday

22 Nov

My general sentiment of thanks for the holidays will come after I am done with all of my shopping. Until then, I will keep my mouth shut.
It is because I am one of those. A part of an organization of people that unite together for a religious experience of sorts. For I am a Black Friday shopper.
On Thanksgiving night, I will set my alarm for an early rise of 3:45 a.m.  Assuming that I go to bed by midnight, after consuming large quantities of starchy foods and celebratory beverages, the almost four hours of peaceful slumber will jump-start my personal holiday: the season of the shopping cart.
Of course, my short refresher will need to be coupled with large amounts of coffee. And while the caffeine jitters compliment my already crazed look and bed head hair, in my mind, I will have already started to motivate myself.
Like any pro football player would. In the vehicle, I will crank the Christmas tunes. Motivational music. What am I shopping for? Christmas. Who am I purchasing for? People I consider bearable. And why do I do this? Because I am super competitive. While Bing Crosby croons in my ear, my face will have already been tensed in anticipation — while my heart palpitates and face sweats.
For weeks, me and my partners in crime (whom I endearingly call mom and sis) have been scouring ads looking for bargains for this very day. And while everyone else will be consuming cranberry-soaked turkey, we will be concocting a serious game plan.
We will map out the stores, the items we are in search of and a time line of our 5 a.m. adventures. We are a serious bunch. In one store, I will hit the DVD section, while sis takes the electronics and mom tackles the toys. While all the other chickens run with their heads cut off, we will be determined to cross off the many items that dominate our lists.
First-timers will run to the department of their choice. But it’s not about how fast you are — it is how agile your body can become, maneuvering through small aisles and shortcuts that you have thought of well in advance of the event.
Betty and Suzy and all the other shoppers will topple over each other for that latest singing/dancing/creepy stuffed toy — it will already be under my arm, ready to add to the ever-growing pile in our cart. Do we need it? Maybe, probably not. But that’s not the point. In fact, I don’t know what the point is. But I like it.
Amateurs we are not in this chaotic jungle.
Others will say: You guys are ridiculous. Some might ask: Are you crazy? The answers are: Yes — and yes. But we are bargain hunters. And the most skilled of all scavengers always have problems.
The normal people will be just rising out of bed. Reaching their arms overhead and yawning to the good morning. We will be at the local coffee shop. We will have reached our limit in shopping bags and cranky non-night/way-too-early morning people. And while we may be slumped over tables, unable to move our limbs or to make short sentences, we will have our shopping done. And you haven’t even started. Who is laughing now? Well no one, as we are drooling and already asleep.
Happy Black Friday to one and all — or just to those extremely dedicated to the experience.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry

Bitten by Edward Cullen

9 Nov

“I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Bella, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”
When Edward Cullen utters that line in the second installment of Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” series, you could hear girls around the world drop the book they were so enthralled in. Jaws plummeted, fainting ensued.
Those are words that every hormonal teenage girl “needs” to hear —  but never does.
“The moment Bella’s heart stops beating, I will be begging for you to kill me.” Oh, Edward.
Instead, they must fantasize that the 14- or 15-year-old crush of theirs will suddenly stop with their immaturity. Drop the baseball or football and start lessons from Edward instead. That desperate yearning of “maybe, someday, it will happen to me” takes over the girl and delusional fantasies swarm.
The “Twilight” book series and film franchise should really come with a warning. Something along the lines of: “WARNING: May cause girls to swoon and establish unrealistic expectations. Mixed with massive amounts of hormones, it may create a dangerous monster.”
After a frenzied movie marathon or finishing off one of the novels — Twi-Hards have become entranced with the idea of someone or something providing comfort from all that they fear. That dreams will come true with just a man’s touch. Such an innocent thing as text or film has become a danger to our young society.
These girls have been bitten by the pearled teeth of Edward Cullen — desperately wanting to be devoured wholly by the handsome, good-listening vampire/boyfriend/savior.
After having to endure preview after preview of the first part of “Breaking Dawn” in the last couple months — I was completely in shock and disbelief over their decision to capitalize more on the teenage girl’s foremost desires. Okay, not really.
Bella Swan and her blood-sucking fiancé are united in marriage. From what I can tell it is a beautiful, perfect ceremony, followed by the honeymoon of a lifetime. Here is where my own horrified jaw did drop. You have young actors getting married and quickly getting sexual. The amount of time spent in just the preview on the honeymoon action is what concerns me. And from what I have read in the book, it’s pretty graphic.
So you have young adults, pre-teens and children in the wee morning hours, holding onto their tickets to get the first glimpse of this romantic tryst. And what will they see? I’m going to guess a whole lot. And even if it is “well done,” “artistic,” or doesn’t show all the nitty-gritty details due to its PG-13 rating — I’m sure it will leave a lot to the imagination.
“But they’re married!” some will whine. “They can, because it’s right.” Sure, I understand Meyer’s stance on premarital sex, but I have a big problem with how it is portrayed on screen and on the page, even if they are hitched. They are young, pretty and what many kids want to portray. So even if these teens are not old enough to get married, they may think they are old enough for the rest of it.
In my honest opinion, I think that is a bit scary. Kids seeing something explicit and expecting the same beauty in reality. Okay, maybe they won’t give birth to a half-vampires — but there is the distinct possibility of earlier experimentation.
So although I know that the opening weekend will probably break more records — I’m a little more than disappointed at the lack of moral responsibility by the author and movie producers. It seems that the need to capitalize on sexual fantasies of teenagers is more important. It will make them a lot of money, but it still doesn’t make it right.

Kim and Kris Take It Back

2 Nov


It’s been a rough couple of days. Dark and empty -full of fear and doubts. But I will get through it, and so will you.

Kim Kardashian’s decision to file for divorce after 72 days of marriage took us all by surprise – and more than Kris Humphries was hurt by her move. Did she not see the damage she caused? Can she think of anyone but herself? What about the children? (And by children, I mean her worshipping followers.)

So what caused these ‘irreconcilable differences?’

Did Kris say something cruel about her Twitter comments? Was it when she said “”He [Barack Obama] just seemed very firm about the change, and that’s, like, his motto” or was it, “I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light.” She’s just being honest – saying what the masses need to hear, Kris! Kim is being Kim – keepin’ it realz.

Was she upset about the wedding – too small or a bit too big? Was having the sponsors pay $10 million for the wedding not enough? Or was the approximately $17.9 million they were paid to get married in front of the E! cameras splitting hairs? Please tell us why, Kim!

Some are speculating that it was due to Kris wanting to move back to Minnesota, his home state. Well, if that is the case, it might have scared her off. Too many ‘you betchas’ and ‘yah sure’ language barriers to manage. But even that shouldn’t be a deal breaker for a 72-day blissful marriage.

Perhaps it was the fact that Kim and her older sister Kourtney have been filming the second season of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” – a dazzling take on the working girls doing what they do best: Shopping, drama and witty banter. And opening up their third D-A-S-H store. But I had thought this was to be closer to her New Jersey Nets hubby, not to tear them apart.

Maybe it was Momager Kris Jenners. Or the fact that little sister Khloe had problems with Kim’s beau. Her toast to the groom at his engagement party was a bit harsh – jokingly (or not so much) asking for his death, that may have caused some problems in the family.

But whatever it was, it can’t be what columnists and news reporters are gossiping about: That the wedding was all a sham and a publicity stunt. No. Not possible. The Kardashians would never do such a thing For shame news outlets, for shame! “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,” “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” and “Khloe & Lamar” are out there on the E! Network for our enjoyment – not because they thrive off of attention and creating mindless drones. That’s plain silly. Their drama is what makes them adorable. A-DOR-ABLE.

They fight, I laugh. Momager Kris gets plastic surgery, I cry. One of the sisters speaks her mind, and I am in heaven.

But this break up wasn’t a part of that. It couldn’t. No, something far more cynical has happened and I need to get to the bottom of it.

Even Kim was surprised and hurt that her critics are saying that this was to further her career of being a full-time reality star. She called them out, it was no such thang. TMZ reports that Kim said, “Sometimes marriages end rapidly. Just because it’s short doesn’t mean it’s fake.” Wise words, Kim K., wise words.

And because it was so real, I am gonna pray real hard that it works out between the two lovebirds. After watching four hours of Kim/Kris wedding extravaganza, I can’t believe it was a sham. It was too beautiful. They were too beautiful. Cute as kittens.

So I will curl up in a blanket, watch a bit of E!’s mega-coverage of the Kardashians during their time of need, and shed a tear or two. Because if this can’t work out, I’m afraid that there is no hope for the rest of us.

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