The greatest holiday: Black Friday

22 Nov

My general sentiment of thanks for the holidays will come after I am done with all of my shopping. Until then, I will keep my mouth shut.
It is because I am one of those. A part of an organization of people that unite together for a religious experience of sorts. For I am a Black Friday shopper.
On Thanksgiving night, I will set my alarm for an early rise of 3:45 a.m.  Assuming that I go to bed by midnight, after consuming large quantities of starchy foods and celebratory beverages, the almost four hours of peaceful slumber will jump-start my personal holiday: the season of the shopping cart.
Of course, my short refresher will need to be coupled with large amounts of coffee. And while the caffeine jitters compliment my already crazed look and bed head hair, in my mind, I will have already started to motivate myself.
Like any pro football player would. In the vehicle, I will crank the Christmas tunes. Motivational music. What am I shopping for? Christmas. Who am I purchasing for? People I consider bearable. And why do I do this? Because I am super competitive. While Bing Crosby croons in my ear, my face will have already been tensed in anticipation — while my heart palpitates and face sweats.
For weeks, me and my partners in crime (whom I endearingly call mom and sis) have been scouring ads looking for bargains for this very day. And while everyone else will be consuming cranberry-soaked turkey, we will be concocting a serious game plan.
We will map out the stores, the items we are in search of and a time line of our 5 a.m. adventures. We are a serious bunch. In one store, I will hit the DVD section, while sis takes the electronics and mom tackles the toys. While all the other chickens run with their heads cut off, we will be determined to cross off the many items that dominate our lists.
First-timers will run to the department of their choice. But it’s not about how fast you are — it is how agile your body can become, maneuvering through small aisles and shortcuts that you have thought of well in advance of the event.
Betty and Suzy and all the other shoppers will topple over each other for that latest singing/dancing/creepy stuffed toy — it will already be under my arm, ready to add to the ever-growing pile in our cart. Do we need it? Maybe, probably not. But that’s not the point. In fact, I don’t know what the point is. But I like it.
Amateurs we are not in this chaotic jungle.
Others will say: You guys are ridiculous. Some might ask: Are you crazy? The answers are: Yes — and yes. But we are bargain hunters. And the most skilled of all scavengers always have problems.
The normal people will be just rising out of bed. Reaching their arms overhead and yawning to the good morning. We will be at the local coffee shop. We will have reached our limit in shopping bags and cranky non-night/way-too-early morning people. And while we may be slumped over tables, unable to move our limbs or to make short sentences, we will have our shopping done. And you haven’t even started. Who is laughing now? Well no one, as we are drooling and already asleep.
Happy Black Friday to one and all — or just to those extremely dedicated to the experience.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry

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One Response to “The greatest holiday: Black Friday”

  1. becomingcliche November 22, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    I do love Black Friday shopping. There’s even a website that creates little charts so that shoppers can compare ads for the same item side-by-side. When I go with the women in the family, we split up, as well. Divide and conquer. I even go though all of my shopping is already done. Just to be a part of it. and watch the crazy, crazy people.

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