I Don’t Have A TUMA!

12 Apr

I experienced a blast from the past last night when I realized that Kindergarten Cop was available On Demand. And I demanded it because it’s awesome. There was so much I could have done last night, but man candy Arnold Schwarzenegger swept me back to a world where men wore hot pink and women wore jeans that went past there navels. A magical place, really.

Not only should this movie have received an Academy Award for Being The Supreme Shit, but it really opened my eyes to cinema and all the questions I had. Was Crisp (why was his name a cracker texture?) a misunderstood product of bad parenting or just the evil spawn of his mother Cruella de Vil? And why did I crush on him so hard? I felt so bad about it then, but he looked a lot like Val Kilmer and man do I still have the lady hots for that piece of man pie. Also, why did teacher Joyce (Penelope Ann Miller) have the same haircut and perm as the drug addict who was later killed off? THAT confused me immensely. I remember trying to separate the two in my mind to no avail. Was she a teacher by day, druggie by night? Anyhoo, it boggled me for a few years.

My questions now are a bit more logical: What happened to the previous kindergarten teacher? Fired due to Arnold’s excellent police work? And how was he able to maintain his teaching profession without a license? Was he THAT good? Must’ve been. How can you go around LA carrying around the massive guns that Arnold, ahem, John Kimble, lugs around? And by that, I mean his log-shaped arms. And what did Kimble’s partner Phoebe actually do with her time in Astoria, Oregon? I mean besides eating 20 meals a day and shagging her chef fiance? Brilliant police work, if you ask me.

While I ponder these burning questions, bigger than the questions of life, here are a few of the best quotes from Arnold’s masterpiece.

John Kimble: Oh, come on … Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I’ve got news for you. You are mine now! You belong to me! No more complaining. No more “Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom.” Nothing! There is no bathroom!

Low Life: So who are you, man? John Kimble: I’m da party poopa.

Joseph (student): Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

Joseph: My dad is a cynagologist and he looks at vaginas all day long.

John Kimble: I have a headache. Lowell (student): It might be a tumor. John Kimble: It`s not a tuma!

John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down. Emma (student): I’m not a policeman, I’m a princess! John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet! Emma: I’m not policeman, I’m princess. John Kimble: Take it back! Emma: Alright.

Emma: My dad works on computers all day and is the boss of his company. And he has a mustache and a beard. Yeah, he doesn’t have that much hair and his head is so big that he can’t wear any hats!

Phoebe: You’re not so tough without your car, are ya?

John Kimble: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
John Kimble: You should be reading stories about bears that go shopping!

John Kimble: SHUT-UP!!!!! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP!

John Kimble (seeing kid eating other kids’ lunches): Are these all your lunches? (Kid shakes head.) John Kimble (picks kid up): You mean you eat other people’s lunches? STOP IT!

John Kimble: They’re six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be? Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.

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